Stepping on the Head of the Dragon

Well into the second week of 2015, I remain steeped in Virginia Woolf.  Having just read a tiny gem of a short story, “Lappin and Lapinova,” I find myself considering the following:  Upon what illusions do we depend to maintain the smooth operation of our daily lives?  The story first.  Woolf’s little tale is about a newly married couple temperamentally unsuited to each other.  For the first two years of the marriage, the couple is able to sustain the fiction of a happy alliance by spinning a fantasy story around the reality of their relationship.  Woolf, drawing the story to a close with a trivial incident that nonetheless bursts the fantasy bubble, brilliantly and abruptly concludes:  “So that was the end of the marriage.”

The illusions I depend upon to maintain the smooth operation of my daily life do not, fortunately, concern my marriage, but rather my profession.  In this regard, the precise question that has been pressing itself upon me more and more urgently with each passing month is whether I will continue to work as an attorney for the three years remaining until I am eligible for full retirement?  As I consider that question, I am simultaneously examining the illusions I rely upon to imbue continued meaning into a profession that no longer inspires me.  Consider those illusions:  that my professional stature, based on 27 years of hard work, dedication, and well-respected accomplishments, are a reflection of my true self rather than merely a persona; that my co-workers are dependent upon my prodigious output and the fact that I am, as the only attorney on staff, singularly indispensable; and that it would be foolhardy and irresponsible to retire prematurely and forego the full recognition of and reward for 30 years of service, to embark on the life of an artist.  These illusions, I recognize, are neither absolute and rigid nor easily dispelled. The reality, I know, is somewhere in between.  So, I will continue to wrestle with them and suspect that 2015—and perhaps beyond—will require my stepping on the head of a dragon or two (my “women of the well” friends will surely understand this allusion!) before I come to any resolution. 

Quan Yin Stepping on the Head of the Dragon